It all started in 7th grade. I was more than aware of my body and the many changes that were going on. At that time I was the one of the two black girls in my school and the differences in my body and theirs was glaringly obvious (at least in my mind they were). While everyone was rail thin and could eat whatever they wanted, I felt like a bloated whale and even thinking about a piece of cake would pop a button on my already too tight shirt.
That was when insecurity wormed its way into my life, and I let that insecurity rob me of living my life fully during my 7th and 8th grade years. I was miserable those two years. Looking in the mirror was some sort of cruel punishment. I would wear makeup trying to cover up every possible flaw. I had major issues with my body and tried to cover it up in shapeless outfits. I would even put myself down because that’s what I assumed everyone else was thinking.
Finally, going into 9th grade I was tired of feeling miserable and gross. God got a hold of my heart and somehow lifted that insecurity off my shoulders. It was the most liberating feeling that I had ever experienced. I cried and danced and sang all because I knew that the darkness had started to dissipate over my life. I could somehow breathe again.
Now to say that insecurity is completely gone from my life would be a lie. Somehow I have let it get into my life again.
I cringe sometimes when I look in the mirror. I still look for all those imperfections and try to quick fix them. I struggle with accepting the compliments and nice words people send my way. I over analyze every little thing about my body. I have this horrible habit of comparing my body to others. I can’t bear to step on a scale because the fear of seeing a certain number inch higher and higher wrecks havoc on my mind. I hate trying on clothes in the store because somehow over time I have been led to believe that I should be ashamed of my pants size. No matter if I lose weight while magically erasing my stretch marks, and my body would finally be ready for swimsuit season; I would still have to come to terms with the scars that were left on my body from my struggle with eczema.
As this daily struggle becomes something that is more common in my life, I fear that I’ll slip back into the darkness of my 7th and 8th grade years. It’s frightening. Sometimes I feel so dumb because I know all the Bible verses about what God thinks of me and sayings like “God thinks you’re to die for,” or “God makes no mistakes.” But it seems I can only tell myself that so many time before somehow my mind and heart are numb to those words.
She is worth far more than rubies…
I saw this on a charm and kind of latched on to it. I felt somehow that God was trying to touch something that I had not confronted since I let my insecurities creep back into my life. This phrase to me was something new that hadn’t really been tainted by clichés in my mind. Now, I’m starting to realize that I let insecurity suck the joy out of my life once and I will fight to make sure it doesn’t happen again. As the Lord has been chipping away at all the insecurity that I let accumulate, I feel a since of peace knowing that this is all in His hands. I am running back to the reassurance that God has fashioned me to be who I am and He has deemed my worth far more than rubies.
I rejoice as I recover my security in my Maker.