First day home and I’m already on the floor crying.
I have no earthly idea.
I have so many excuses for my sudden outburst. Maybe I just wanted to sleep, and my brothers kept asking me questions. Maybe it’s that my mom wanted me to do dishes and I haven’t even used any. Maybe I realized all my friends are so far away and I conveniently dropped my phone in a toilet.
All of these lame excuses and reasons for feeling bad for myself, but didn’t I already know that things weren’t going to be peachy coming home? Haven’t I been preparing my heart for this? Praying for patience and thinking of ways just to serve my family. What happened, Jesus? I thought I was ready!
The seven hours I been home have already made me lose my nerve, and forget all the things that I have learned over the semester. If I’m completely honest I was a complete wimp. In my mind I knew it was the enemy, but I all to readily fell into the trap. I not only made a complete fool of myself, but also made it seem that I didn’t even want to be home which I know hurt my family. I knew that this time home was when I was to really apply what God had taught me, and I failed. Epicly.
Then Jesus came.
I can’t even tell you all that He did, but somehow I found myself willing facing my family. I apologized to my mom who probably thought I had some weird psychotic episode (it was bad, y’all) and I told my brothers I would take them to school in the morning. I felt better and finally stopped crying. When I actually sat down to reflect on all that happened it all became clear. That I was/ am completely selfish, and the moment I discerned it was the enemy I should have just walked away from the situation.
I also realized that I was scared coming home. I had this irrational fear that I wouldn’t encounter Jesus the way the I encountered Him at LSU. I realize now that I had it all wrong. Jesus is with me constantly. He was there in the kitchen watching me throw a fit and pour out my anger on my family. He was there in the restroom that I locked myself in and ugly cried for a solid hour. He was there when I stood at my mom’s door for five minutes trying to muster up the courage to knock and apologize. He is here now giving me words to write this post.
I am not alone. I AM NOT ALONE.
Coming home, I believe will be when God will show me new aspects of Himself. He will continue to mold me and gently correct me like He did today. I will go back to LSU with an even deeper faith, and have an amazing testimony to tell my friends. I will encounter Him more than I did this past semester. Coming home for me is my time to really put things into practice. It’s time I take quiet time seriously. I need to start putting the list of ways I can serve my family to use. I’m not gonna sit and waste this break. This is God’s time to continue the work that He has already started in me.
Today was definitely a bumpy start and I’m sure this isn’t the last bump in the road. It would be a miracle if it was…But I know that God won’t give up on me that easily, and He will continue to discipline me while loving me all at the same time.
So I thank God for days like this. Where I go from crying in self-pity to standing in awe of the transformation He has done in my heart.
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
Also, I’m still not understanding why my phone isn’t working, Jesus. I mean, I know I was getting a little attached to SnapChat. But can my phone please work now? I have learned my lesson! Forreal, though.