Last year I wrote a post called I Have Issues (read it first!). I want to give a little back story to the post and wrote about how things have changed in the past 11 months. I’m excited/nervous writing this because I have been somewhat private on social media about my relationships. He has been faithful in the midst of the choices that I’ve made, and I feel comfortable sharing a little bit of my journey.
Last year at the beginning of April, I was broken up with. The relationship didn’t last that long, but I was hurting. I had never really experienced heartbreak and I got my first taste last year. It sucked. It really truly sucked. I cried and prayed a lot. I was essentially broken up with because our dreams didn’t align. I was stuck on Haiti and not compromising a cent about it. I had to process through some anger and rejection that I had never felt before.
The relationship dissolved and soon after I get a message about how I got into the Haiti internship. I was over the moon ecstatic and it somehow eased the burden of my broken heart. Just a little. However, if you read in my post I turned down the internship. Oh boy, there were not enough tissues. I was heartbroken, defeated, weary. I mean all of the sad words you can think of I was embodying all of them. ALL OF THEM.
Days lead to weeks and then to months where my pain was building up in my heart and I felt something had to give. I was angry at God, angry at men, just angry. So like a crazy person I deleted my Instagram (the craziest, most emotional thing that I regret to this day), I deleted around 400 people off of my Facebook and deactivated it, I deleted Snapchat, and I stopped writing. I was on a mission to ease my pain, but I ended up causing myself more pain as I isolated myself and found myself embarrassed for feeling how I was feeling.
For months, I wrestled with Jesus. FOR MONTHS. I couldn’t find or see any goodness coming out of my situation. I honestly wasn’t looking for it either. I had somehow gotten comfortable in my “woe is me” attitude. I was done wrong and things didn’t go my way, so I had every right to feel the way I felt. I read my journal from that time and I cringe. I was a hot minute away from losing my mind.
To make a really sad and long story short, I never took that class. I dropped out the second week, started working full time over the summer, and then enrolled into Prairie View A&M. Funny how NOTHING ever goes as planned.
All of this leads me to today. I am a little over a month removed from being out of a relationship. Again this one didn’t last that long and was way more amicable than the last. Not that the heartbreak wasn’t as bad. I’m still feeling throbs here and there. But it’s crazy how literally a few days after the relationship ended I got the call that I got into the same internship again! Hello.
I took inventory today because I realized how I am in a much better place than I was last year. I’ve had an awesome community of women holding me up and covering me. All-nighters, sparkling wine, belly laughs, weepy telephone calls, prayer nights, car worship sessions, check up calls, and funny memes on Instagram; every single one has been instrumental in my healing. Instead of disconnecting like I did before I forced myself to open up to my closest loved ones about what I was walking through. I gave myself permission to cry to sad songs, but also gave myself permission to be happy. I acted out in emotion, but I repented for my wrong doings. I gave myself time to be alone to process, but also made sure I was connecting to others in a healthy way. Now, I have not been perfect. I have lost my cool a few times these last few weeks. The people who have been on the other end of my mishaps can testify. This breakup has shown me so much about myself more than anything and it’s been a little unnerving. But I’ll write a post on that soon because it’s a lot!
Jesus, Oh Jesus. I can’t tell you how true the scripture is when it says He is close to the brokenhearted. There are no words to describe the presence that I have felt these past few weeks. I found that as I earnestly sought Him He would meet me where I was at. EVERY SINGLE TIME. My prayer and worship life have undergone some transformation. There is a dependency that I have found in this season that I have never possessed. An intimacy that is undeniable and has carried me through the longest of nights.
At the end of the day, I have an understanding that I lacked going through my last break up. The very nature of the Lord is that He longs and is delighted to be good to me. It is His pleasure to shower me with his goodness and mercy. There is not a day that goes by that I am not on His mind every second, every minute, every hour of the day. He sees my choices and decisions and doesn’t condemn me for them. Whether they be right or wrong He never removed himself from my side. Every step of the way, every right and wrong choice, I have never been alone. Walking through relationships, and walking out of relationships His goodness has never failed. His plan for my life had not been broken down or halted. His mercy has a way of transforming every situation for His ultimate glory. This truth has carried me through my bad days and my good days.
The Lord is good to me. Always.