New Beginnings

I just felt like I had to be real because life happens and I sometimes suck at dealing with it, and I love airing my business out anyway. This past year, almost to the date, my life was shifting faster than I could handle. I had just gotten back from Haiti, and that trip honestly left me broken. I was angry at God and confused at what the hell I was doing with my life. I looked for answers in my church community but learned to hide my pain by pouring all I had into the local church. However, my bitterness for the church began to grow, and I isolated myself and felt like I lost all my “church identity” when I stepped back from what I’ve known my whole life.

My family was crazy as any family is, but I didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with the drama and lashed out more than what I’m proud of. It wasn’t until the panic attacks came that I knew I was in trouble. The long nights, the nightmares, and the chest pain were suddenly part of my life. But that wasn’t my breaking point. Not until a month ago, when I couldn’t pep talk myself out of my sadness, I couldn’t pray away what was plaguing me, and I couldn’t find that Bible passage to flood me with peace; did I finally take my mom’s advice to go see a therapist.

I remember the night before beating myself up because maybe I wasn’t trusting God enough, or I was less of a woman because of my inability to handle emotional stress healthily. BUT surprisingly, therapy has been a Godsend in more ways than one. I’m still a mess, but a mess that is seeking help and can’t lie anymore that I have it all together and that I read my Bible and pray all the time. Cause I don’t. There is a stigma around mental health that makes me scared even to post this, and I’ve gotten some backlash for even admitting that I’m even seeing a therapist. All I can say is Jesus knew I needed a little extra help and therapy will only help me grow into the healthy young woman I’m called to be.

Getting to LSU.

It is absolutely surreal being on LSU’s campus. I feel so blessed to be here, and I am just in awe of what God has done so far. The few days before coming to college were definitely a struggle filled with tears and a whole bunch of prayer.

August 20, 2013

I don’t understand God. I know you have called me to LSU, but why all the road blocks? I do believe that you are working. I honestly am feeling discouraged about this whole situation. There is absolutely no way to pay, but that is when you really show up and show out, right?

The day before move in day I was sitting at HCC crying my eyes out but ready to enroll into classes there. At that moment it was absolutely impossible for my mom to pay for my tuition. I was completely wrecked, and could not wrap my mind around why God seemed to shut the doors on LSU. I was having this little crisis of faith. I was praying and crying out to God wondering why He brought me so far just to leave me.

Sitting in that little room my mom suddenly told me that we were going home. I was a little confused, but a few days before my mom and I had to have some serious talks about money. I was distraught because I started to think that maybe God didn’t want me at LSU. I was ready to accept it, but I couldn’t understand why. I don’t know what changed my mother’s mind. I did tell her that I knew God wanted me to go to LSU. It sounded so lame when I said it to her at first. Because saying those words and then looking at the billing statement didn’t add up. But my mom had to believe that LSU was where I needed to be or I wouldn’t be here. That night we made a decision and LSU was a go, but we were flying on faith.

August 21, 2013

Lord I know your hand is in all of this. Everything keeps coming up as a road block, but I am still holding on to faith. You have the power to do exceedingly above and beyond all that I can imagine. This waiting is making me stronger and more appreciative of the privilege to go to LSU. I know you have me there for a specific purpose because the enemy is fighting so hard. I know it is done! It’s not over! Your blessings will come raining down more than I can imagine. You are my rock and I believe that I’m going through this to be strengthened. I will be on that campus tomorrow! 

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.” – Psalm 143:8

Long story short, God gave me starting grace. My tuition for the first quarter was paid and it was only by God’s grace and power. And the miracles haven’t stopped there! I got books for prices that are unheard of, and I got my biology book (the most expensive book I had to have) for free!

Through out those days leading up to move in day I was constantly writing. I wanted to make sure I was communicating every single thing I was feeling. I knew God was doing a work in me and in the future I would want to go back and read it. I am so glad I did! Those journal entries give me so much encouragement for all the days I lose sight of why I am here. Those days weren’t easy, but I appreciate them and in a way happy that I went through those trying times.

God is faithful. He hears those prayers, sees those tears, and provides for those needs that have to be met.